Nick's blog

The nuts and bolts of death keep me busy. Today I tackle the registrar, the funeral director, and the vicar. Funeral is confirmed for Tuesday.

N

Pat's funeral has been provisionally booked for Tuesday 22nd at 2.30 in Shepton Beauchamp, fond memories to follow at The Old Cider House. I'll be putting a eulogy together if anyone wishes to contribute, and there'll be a pin-up board for photos and memoria. Rest in peace.

N

Pat finally lost her long fight yesterday afternoon. I went to see her last night and found her surrounded by a quiet peace and serenity. We will miss her in so many ways but at least for her the pain is over. Happy birthday sweetheart.

N

After a couple of mad days it's back to cold reality. Pat has been almost completely unresponsive for the last two days. She was put back on a syringe driver yesterday as she was unable to take oral meds. Although loath to predict anything, the staff nurse today said they think this could be her last downturn. Birthdays, exams and festivals all coming up so the timing is bound to present difficulties. After dinner with my newly balanced family of three I talk about bereavement and the grieving process. I emphasise openness, resilience, unity and looking forward to better times. Pat's long ordeal will surely soon be over.

N

Today I find Patti awake and alert. She is calmer, thankfully, but her rational has completely gone and conversation rambling, meaningless, and continually out of context. She eats some strawberries, but doesn't seem to know who I am or indeed anything at all. I find out that connection failure is less tiring than emotional overload

Most days this week Pat has been awake for long enough to take some sustenance, but usually her eyes are closed and she is unresponsive. Until today that is when changes to her medication put her back in the room. She is sitting up and alert when I come in and starts talking immediately. It's rambling, incoherent and dillusional. Altogether she is more emotional and we have some funny moments over dinner, which she eats well. I try to keep this mood up, but there are sad and tragic moments too. "Let's go to the pub for a drink", she says, trying to get up but being unable even to raise her head. She also mentions coming home and this one really hurts, more than once with the memory gone and the conversation marching on. I speak with the staff nurse and will speak further with the doctor tomorrow. I eventually leave feeling utterly drained and with the distinct feeling of being two helpless pawns under some kind of Pharmaceutical Big Brother. Pity has never been stronger

N

Another sad day comes as I find Pat almost totally unresponsive today, briefly opening her eyes but not moving or speaking. She has had some liquid I am told but nothing further. I'm saddened by the developement, a step nearer to losing her, but can't think why she should hang on. It would be merciful for her to slip away peacefully now. Meanwhile Josiane marches on relentlessly, 15 miles to finish tomorrow. She's had pouring rain, blistering sun and very sore feet, but remains in great spirit. Marvellous. When one light fades we are thankful that another is burning brightly

N